“You can’t keep doing this to yourself. It can’t be safe.”
“Oh, come on Becky. You say it yourself. Just because we don’t understand it, it doesn’t mean it is meant to hurt us.”
“I said, “HE”. And I was talking about God at the time. This… This… I don’t even know what to call this. I don’t think it’s from God, though.”
“Where does it say that in your Bible?”
“Listen. If it makes you feel any better, I will only do this when necessary.”
She looked at Becky with her hands on her shoulders as if she were waiting for approval but they both knew she was just doing that out of courtesy, she was going to do it anyway. And they both knew Becky was not going to give her approval either.
Slipping her hands off Becky’s shoulders, she stepped back and closed her eyes and got into the dreaded position.
She stretched out her arms as if she were sincerely reaching for the walls of the garage. As usual, her arms would start to shake from the effort and the heavy breathing followed. Then came the part Becky did not understand. The divide.
It was like watching a rift in space. The air around her would ripple and the ground under her feet would shuffle. Then where there was one person standing, there, right in front of her eyes would be four of her flanking each other. All looking exactly the same. The same clothes, the same stance, the same smirk of success on their face… or faces?
But Becky could tell which was the original because that was the one that would breathe the heaviest and collapse into her arms as the others took off in other directions.
“Don’t worry, I will be back for you.” They all said in unison. More to herself than to Becky.
It was always like this. Her closest friend would ‘divide’. She would climb the corporate ladder, be the super socialite, and the perfect take-home girlfriend/wife-to-be all at the same time. But nobody knew about this side. The side that Becky had to nurse. The one that was supposed to be pursuing God.
The one who would barely have strength to walk on her own. The one who would have outbursts and mood swings between barely being able to eat. And Becky was the one who had to deal with this side of her, and she feared to think this was the real her.
When this all started she was actually scared, they both were. Nobody is supposed to be able to physically do this. And she only used to ‘divide’ in two. And Becky wouldn’t have to take care of her, actually it seemed like she could now read and study and teach Becky one or two things. Becky actually began to envy her. But then she met Dylan and she had to ‘divide’ again.
That’s when the cracks started to show. And Becky tried to tell her but she said the ‘dividing’ helped her cope with life.
That she could be a better version of herself and literally be so much more.
Plus she was still pursuing God, granted, a lot less now since ‘dividing’ took alot out of her. But she was still keeping up.
Then Becky saw the shift when she hit four. She didn’t have to do this to herself. She seemed to do it for kicksor just to release stress. There was no need to be the super socialite she had become. She said she enjoyed it and that it would be fine but obviously it was taking more out of her than she thought. And the pursuit of God was a thing of the past now.
Becky would sit and nurse what remained of her. Try to read her scripture since she seemed to not be able to study for herself now. But it would always end with an outburst.
When the others would return they would each come back with their own adventures… and scars. They didn’t have to deal with the downs that was up to her and Becky.
Becky watched as her closest friend became more and more in everyone else’s eyes and yet become less and less. Only hoping that somewhere along the way she would realise that ‘dividing’ only proved to destroy the one life she has.
“If only you would pursue God first, He would direct your path. You would not have to ‘divide’. You would have one purpose, one goal and along with it, fulfillment. That is to worship the One True God, Who loved you enough to sacrifice Himself for you.
Yes, sure you won’t be able to do everything at once. Maybe that’s because you don’t have to. You only have one life. Why would you want to live it having to faces, let alone four!? You only need One.”
*Yes, I know a strange story. A little sci-fi-ish but I write this with the idea that ‘dividing’ could mean anything that we put between ourselves and God (work, addiction, ministry, fear, society, make-believe). When we try to live multiple lives and facets the enemy will constantly keep us busy with those facets until we lose sight of God. Don’t let it happen. You may end up hurting yourself and those who seek to love you, including God, Himself. What good is it for us to run ourselves through, gain the world and lose ourselves and eternity? Lose yourself in God and you will find more than just who you think you are. But who you actually are… and real life.*