I started being a good boy. I did what I was told. I tried to never lie. I started being careful about what I watched and what I listened to… or at least thought twice about it.
I started listening to Christian radio programs devotedly. At school I stopped wanting to cuss and I stopped being as mad at everyone. I co-founded a small prayer group at a predominately Muslim school. I was walking with God and getting to know Him.
But I made mistakes. I would lie to get out of trouble. I would not stand consistently when it came to matters of conscience. Oh and not keeping the Sabbath holy was a big one. I was not sure why we were taught one thing at church about keeping the Sabbath and I saw another thing at home. And I started getting frustrated. And the anger started to rise again.
Then came the day that I walked away.
One of my closest friends and I got conned into giving away his phone. His brand new phone. We had been told that we should be careful when going to town, that walking into town was dangerous. It was an hour’s walk from home. An hour we would enjoy. And while we did not get violently attacked in some dark corner, it was really our greed that led us into being conned. The guy offered us more money in an envelope and we took the bait and he took off with my friend’s phone. We check in the envelope, where there was once money, there was just pieces of paper.
Now when we realised we had been cheated and we were on our way back home, we decided to say we had been violently robbed. We did not want to seem silly, like naive children, and our parents were going to see us as idiots. So we lied. We roughed ourselves up a bit and we lied and said that we got attacked. But when I got home I felt the worst way about the lie. The guilt was so heavy and the devil’s lie came.
“You really can’t be good. Even when you try you fail, again, and again, and again. Lying, Sabbath breaking, disobedience. You can’t keep doing this.”
And like a fool I listened and I told God that that was all. I couldn’t do it anymore….
Now see, I did not know that the only way I was going to get victory was in Christ and not in my good works. Yes, I was sorrowful that I had failed God but instead of clinging to God for the victory, it was pride that I gave in to. Not defiant pride but resigning or defeated pride.
I can’t do it. I can’t keep doing this to God. I can’t keep lying. I am frustrated
It still looks to self.